My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
