Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
