well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
