so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
