Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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