shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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