I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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