just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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