Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
