I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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