So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
