So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
