Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
