I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
