i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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