Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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