so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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