The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
