i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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