I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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