So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
