no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
