3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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