I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize