I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
