I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
what the fuck happened to the tacos
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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