I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
