yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
