you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
