i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
