I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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