K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
