I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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