haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
