I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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