Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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