I could have mohawked her pubes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
