So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
