does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
