Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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