I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
