I think I died a long time ago.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
