I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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