So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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