Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
