dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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