who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm eating all of the evidence.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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