do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
