hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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