If that was your dad, he is hot
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
