he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
