His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Life is so much better after having sex.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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