Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
