MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize