the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
